My brother Ricky died before I was born. According to my Mother, he was diagnosis with a childhood form of Leukemia at the age of two and died shortly after his fifth birthday. Growing up, my Mother kept two black and white professional taken pictures side by side of my brother and I next to each on a bookshelf in the living room. He was probably three years old, dressed in a wool suit and tie. He sported a blond crew cut and a dimpled smile. I was probably two in my picture. I wore a dress made of lace and netting and a petite gold chain necklace with a little heart charm dangled from my neck. My strawberry blond hair had not completely grown in yet. One resemble featured stood out in both pictures, the eyes. My parents both had the same rare shade color grey eyes. It was natural both my brother and I would inherent this feature. When I looked at him, it was like looking in a mirror and seeing the same ghostly eyes. They seemed transparent but angelic. I never knew him but I always felt him. But in the physical world, I was still an only child.
I hung up the phone and sat up in bed in the dark. By this time, Bobby was fully awake, propped up on his right elbow and put his other hand on my back. “What’s wrong?”
“Mom’s in the hospital. Frank said she had not been feeling well all day and she thought she was going to pass out tonight so he took her to the emergency room.” One of the things that always brought me comfort was the hospital was across the street from where they live. “They did some tests and they are not confirming it but they think she has Leukemia. They said she needs to get to a big city hospital immediately. They were going to take her to Syracuse but when they heard I lived in Albany, they said the ambulance could get her to Albany Med. They just need to give her a blood transfusion so she could endure the trip here. They think she should be here around 6:00 AM.”
At this point, I got up and went down stairs. Bobby asked if I needed him to be with me. I told him no, he better get some sleep because the next day was going to exhausting.
In the living room, I grabbed a large fluffy pink blanket off my swivel rocker and curled up on the elbow of our sectional couch and turned on the T-V. I needed to process what was going on. It was December 23, 2005. Mom and my Step Father had made three hour trip to Albany from Carthage, NY for Thanksgiving. It had become a tradition I would do Thanksgiving ever since Bobby and I bought our house in 2003.
When they visited at Thanksgiving, Mom told me she had a colonoscopy in September. At the pre-examination, the nurse doing her screening had asked her if she knew she was anemic. My Mother said no and that she felt fine. The nurse said she would pass on this information to my Mother’s doctor. In October, the doctor called my Mother into the office and said she should go to a hematologist in Watertown. Attempts were made to make an appointment but they could not get her in until January 2006, three months away. The rural north country of New York State illustrates the deficient availability of specialized health services. In a 75 mile radius, one hematology clinic exists. My Mother said she feared it was Leukemia. I had become used to down playing every health concern my Mother perseverated on. My Mother was a hypochondriac. At 66 years of age, she took perhaps a dozen medicines daily and always insisted the worse whenever she caught a cold.
“Its all of those damn pills you take! One is interacting with the other”. I justified. As I grew older, I was developing less and less patience for self pity. Perhaps a side effect from working in the human service industry for nearly twenty years or the result of maintaining a fast paced business approach. Stay on task! Maintain an intense structured environment and get the job done! Somewhere along the way, along my climb to excel at my career, I became an ugly person who was conditioned to do what I had to do to get the business ahead and if there are casualties, that is part of war.
“You know, that’s what Ricky died of.” She whispered.
I sensed her fear and in a more compassionate tone I said “Mommy, I am sure its nothing. I bet between the blood pressure meds and arthritis meds, one is causing a reaction with the other. Remember when you thought you were having a heart attack and we went to Syracuse? And it ended up being a reaction to gout medicine? Or how about the time you thought you had cancer? I am sure it is nothing.”
“You’re probably right.” Mom said not quite convinced. I didn’t hear another word about it. That is until now.
In addition, my Step Father had a pace maker implanted the week before. So when the emergency room said Mom had to get to a big city hospital right away, Syracuse was the closest. My Mother knew my Step Father who was still recovering from his pace maker would not be healthy enough to endure daily trips to Syracuse, not to mention the long days in a hospital. She then thought how will I get to her, Syracuse was still over two hours away from me. The young doctor attending to her in the ER asked her where I lived. When she said Albany, the doctor said they could get her to Albany Med.
I couldn’t sleep. I continued to organize the thoughts and possibilities in my head. A common compulsive trait I had developed over the years contributing to my insomnia. What if it is Leukemia? Is it possible? Is Leukemia genetic? I didn’t know too much about Leukemia except it was a blood cancer and my brother had endured some pretty painful procedures from it.
I got up and threw on my winter coat and boots and stepped outside for a smoke. Bobby had quit smoking 5 years before after his heart attack. I continued to smoke but not in the new house. I stepped outside into the frigid crisp air. We had a small snow storm two days ago. It is a good thing the weather is cooperating tonight I thought. I had developed a need to be in control of every situation. Christmas was two days away. I was supposed to host dinner with my husband’s family. I could get everything ready so all he would have to do is heat everything up and then be back to the hospital for Mom. Then I thought, Mom, stuck in a hospital for Christmas. Christmas was her favorite holiday. I will have to make it special I thought.
But for now, let’s see what we are up against.
I hung up the phone and sat up in bed in the dark. By this time, Bobby was fully awake, propped up on his right elbow and put his other hand on my back. “What’s wrong?”
“Mom’s in the hospital. Frank said she had not been feeling well all day and she thought she was going to pass out tonight so he took her to the emergency room.” One of the things that always brought me comfort was the hospital was across the street from where they live. “They did some tests and they are not confirming it but they think she has Leukemia. They said she needs to get to a big city hospital immediately. They were going to take her to Syracuse but when they heard I lived in Albany, they said the ambulance could get her to Albany Med. They just need to give her a blood transfusion so she could endure the trip here. They think she should be here around 6:00 AM.”
At this point, I got up and went down stairs. Bobby asked if I needed him to be with me. I told him no, he better get some sleep because the next day was going to exhausting.
In the living room, I grabbed a large fluffy pink blanket off my swivel rocker and curled up on the elbow of our sectional couch and turned on the T-V. I needed to process what was going on. It was December 23, 2005. Mom and my Step Father had made three hour trip to Albany from Carthage, NY for Thanksgiving. It had become a tradition I would do Thanksgiving ever since Bobby and I bought our house in 2003.
When they visited at Thanksgiving, Mom told me she had a colonoscopy in September. At the pre-examination, the nurse doing her screening had asked her if she knew she was anemic. My Mother said no and that she felt fine. The nurse said she would pass on this information to my Mother’s doctor. In October, the doctor called my Mother into the office and said she should go to a hematologist in Watertown. Attempts were made to make an appointment but they could not get her in until January 2006, three months away. The rural north country of New York State illustrates the deficient availability of specialized health services. In a 75 mile radius, one hematology clinic exists. My Mother said she feared it was Leukemia. I had become used to down playing every health concern my Mother perseverated on. My Mother was a hypochondriac. At 66 years of age, she took perhaps a dozen medicines daily and always insisted the worse whenever she caught a cold.
“Its all of those damn pills you take! One is interacting with the other”. I justified. As I grew older, I was developing less and less patience for self pity. Perhaps a side effect from working in the human service industry for nearly twenty years or the result of maintaining a fast paced business approach. Stay on task! Maintain an intense structured environment and get the job done! Somewhere along the way, along my climb to excel at my career, I became an ugly person who was conditioned to do what I had to do to get the business ahead and if there are casualties, that is part of war.
“You know, that’s what Ricky died of.” She whispered.
I sensed her fear and in a more compassionate tone I said “Mommy, I am sure its nothing. I bet between the blood pressure meds and arthritis meds, one is causing a reaction with the other. Remember when you thought you were having a heart attack and we went to Syracuse? And it ended up being a reaction to gout medicine? Or how about the time you thought you had cancer? I am sure it is nothing.”
“You’re probably right.” Mom said not quite convinced. I didn’t hear another word about it. That is until now.
In addition, my Step Father had a pace maker implanted the week before. So when the emergency room said Mom had to get to a big city hospital right away, Syracuse was the closest. My Mother knew my Step Father who was still recovering from his pace maker would not be healthy enough to endure daily trips to Syracuse, not to mention the long days in a hospital. She then thought how will I get to her, Syracuse was still over two hours away from me. The young doctor attending to her in the ER asked her where I lived. When she said Albany, the doctor said they could get her to Albany Med.
I couldn’t sleep. I continued to organize the thoughts and possibilities in my head. A common compulsive trait I had developed over the years contributing to my insomnia. What if it is Leukemia? Is it possible? Is Leukemia genetic? I didn’t know too much about Leukemia except it was a blood cancer and my brother had endured some pretty painful procedures from it.
I got up and threw on my winter coat and boots and stepped outside for a smoke. Bobby had quit smoking 5 years before after his heart attack. I continued to smoke but not in the new house. I stepped outside into the frigid crisp air. We had a small snow storm two days ago. It is a good thing the weather is cooperating tonight I thought. I had developed a need to be in control of every situation. Christmas was two days away. I was supposed to host dinner with my husband’s family. I could get everything ready so all he would have to do is heat everything up and then be back to the hospital for Mom. Then I thought, Mom, stuck in a hospital for Christmas. Christmas was her favorite holiday. I will have to make it special I thought.
But for now, let’s see what we are up against.
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